A Single Mum Soulmate

Shout out to those single mum for carrying multiples of responsibility for their children’s. I can say by doing all this job by one man show is not easy as it looks. I’m proud to be a women, daughter and as a mum. I learn much of it. As age is part of growth, it actually teach you lots of things.

What does life means? What’s love? Why does time mean so much for us? We are brought to the world for some purpose…

I was once a kid, i saw my parent’s aren’t going well. I saw fights, i saw hatred, sadness whereby both look depressed. Even if i was unsure about what cause of it. I can feel the sorrow of my both my parents. I felt crumbled. At that point of time, i don’t know how to talk about it. As time passed, i felt empty, as i wished for them to get back it won’t really happened. So my parents were separated.

This is how it goes in my teen life. I began to feel that i don’t need them.  ‘Freedom’ is what i called. I drank, party, drugs into wilders side part of me. I get pregnant in not so sweet 17. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Happy cause i’m pregnant? First thing came into my mind is that, how am  i suppose to do this? All i think about is my ‘freedom’, my time my friends. I can’t be staying home taking care of my child.  All i can say my first pregnancy stage are as easy beside the symptom that i have been handling.

Until it reach to the part whereby, i’m birth, that night i cried in pain. Asking for my mum, my dad, i notice i still need them and can;t handle all this by myself. My mum in the delivery ward. She told me t pray to God, may he be with me and seek forgiveness. I was told that i’m having complication and in need of caesarean surgery as soon as possible. I’m puzzled. Apart of being puzzled contractions caming in every seconds. I stopped thinking and keep on crying in pain. Saying my prayers. How on earth a mankind could handle so much pain. It’s beyond our strength.  God are great. He who creates mankind. So then they came and proceed the procedures. In Singapore , husband aren’t allowed to accompany during my labour. So i was there alone by myself. Fight for my life and my baby. I was panic, after a few minutes, i can’t breathe, gasping of air trying to breathe as much. Doctor’s become hurried in the theathre room. And i saw a senior doctor commands them to lower my upper bed and rise my lower bed. I don’t really get it at first, but once they did that, they actually force me to breathe in the oxygen. Finally i can breathe, and feel that the baby is out. Not having a chance to hold or kiss him. I passed out.

So we headed to the ICU ward, By the losses of my blood and complication that i’m having leads me to where am i headed in. So after all this , my mum gudide me, i learned, and independently took care of my eldest son. As time goes by, i saw my friend enjoying themselve. Partying, having fun while i can’t. I’ve started to missing it. I start to neglected my son. I remember at the age of 3 yrs old. my son was crying wanting me to hold him. But i ran away, having my friends to take care of him. Even he won’t stop i never look back or feel bad about it. And ran to my boyfriend.

I’ve could have cry while blogging this. I realized how bad i was in the past. How could i? How and why did this happen? what’s wrong with me? After a few break ups, dissapointment, sadness. I notice i need love, i need someone to love me. I need attention from someone who could really appreciate me and show me that matter i am at the worst oart of that one person will always be there for me. Then that was the moment i realized, that is the feeling that my son wants from me, and that was the feeling that i want from my parents a long time ago. I was at my worst part bursting into tears. I felt cruel about it. I began to  look my sister whom are very lovely to everyone. She’s my idol apart from my mum. She took care of me, she praised me, she do anything for me. So i took her as someone that i want to be with. I followed her step by how she raising up her child. As time goes by, i repeat the same thing BUT even i was busy enjoying my teenage life i would never want my child to feel like that again.

So now, here i am. Exclude my enjoyness of partying i’m more focused. Become more responsible. As you are growing. You are on your own. the only person could help you is yourself. Whether you eat, you you sick. You have to get up on your own. Be someone who are powerful to go through all this. You are the superheroes to your child. Don’t neglect what’s infront of you. Opportunity in career could only come one time. But Opportunity in changing yourself and making self reflect. It cames not in dozens. It doesn’t stops. Think about it. have a self reflect. You may not be rich but u can be a better person in life. And that what makes you happy.

 

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